THE GREATEST RECORD EVER MADE! Headgirl/Motörhead and Girlschool, " Please Don't Touch"

From my book The Greatest Record Ever Made! (Volume 1).

An infinite number of tracks can each be THE greatest record ever made, as long as they take turns. Today, this is THE GREATEST RECORD EVER MADE!

HEADGIRL/MOTÖRHEAD [and] GIRLSCHOOL: Please Don't Touch

Written by Johnny Kidd and Guy Robinson

Produced by Vic Maile

From the EP St.Valentine's Day Massacre, Bronze Records [UK], 1981

Girls can rock. Girls and boys can even rock together.

In 1980, the members of British metal acts Motörhead and Girlschool merged briefly as Headgirl, with their respective frontpersons--bassist Lemmy Kilmister and guitarist Kelly Jackson--trading lead vocals on a single called "Please Don't Touch." At the time of its release,  I knew Motörhead a little bit, and I was peripherally aware of Girlschool, an all-female group that was part of the then-hyped British New Wave of Heavy Metal, or at least a tangent to it. I guess a tangent is more accurate; their gender prevented them from being considered fairly alongside the boys in Iron Maiden and Def Leppard.

Lemmy thought that was bollocks. And, Lemmy being Lemmy, he wasn't shy about saying so. He championed the group, with specific praise of Johnson's guitar-playing, which Lemmy deemed to be at least the equal of what any stupid boy could do.

The collaboration between Girlschool and Motörhead came about when the latter's drummer Phil Taylor was sidelined by an injury in late 1980. The lads of Motörhead joined the lasses of Girlschool for an EP; the EP's B-side would offer a track apiece by each band covering the other, and the A-side would serve up the united metal forces of Headgirl. For that A-side, Lemmy suggested a cover of a song originally done by Johnny Kidd and the Pirates, one of his own favorite groups from years ago.

It's important to note that essential rock 'n' roll existed before the Beatles, and has continued to exist after the Beatles. The Beatles weren't even the first incredible British rock combo. The Shadows were huge in the UK, deservedly so. Johnny Kidd and the Pirates were also superb, and they gave the world the original version of "Shakin' All Over," a song well-known via subsequent covers by the Guess Who and the Who. Kidd split from the Pirates in the mid '60s, and was killed in a car accident in 1966.

The Pirates' 1960 "Shakin' All Over" is absolutely ace. 1963's "I'll Never Get Over You" shows Kidd and the Pirates could have been part of the British Invasion. Their "Please Don't Touch" is a boppin' little number from 1959, and that was the song Lemmy wanted Headgirl to record. And with that, a few years ahead of Spinal Tap, Headgirl turned their amps to 11 to reimagine "Please Don't Touch."

Different lyrics. Different vibe. Grungier, sexier, and a fair bit noisier, chugging ahead at full metal throttle. Both Lemmy and Kelly sing and play their hearts out, and their mates from both bands keep right up with them. I really wish I'd heard this when it was new.

But again: any record you ain't heard is a new record. Doesn't matter when you get to it. I got to Headgirl's "Please Don't Touch" in May of 2021, just over forty years after its release. Hearing it for the first time, I immediately--immediately--became obsessed with it, and for an entire weekend it was the only song I listened to, over and over and over, playing on a loop on my iPod. No other song would do. There was no other song.

You could (rightly) call this a bludgeoning of the old Johnny Kidd and the Pirates ditty, but it's an affectionate roughhousing, faithful in its way to the swing and spirit of the original, heavier and more ominous, yet unerringly pop. And righteous. And LOUD! It could do with another spin right now. Please don't touch...unless you're turning it UP.

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I compiled a various-artists tribute album called Make Something Happen! A Tribute To The Flashcubes, and it's pretty damned good; you can read about it here and order it here. My new book The Greatest Record Ever Made! (Volume 1) is now available, and you can order an autographed copy here. You can still get my previous book Gabba Gabba Hey! A Conversation With The Ramones from publisher Rare Bird Books, OR an autographed copy here. If you like the books, please consider leaving a rating and/or review at the usual online resources.

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