This was intended to be a chapter in my theoretically forthcoming book The Greatest Record Ever Made! (Volume 1). It was originally added to the book's Table of Contents because I thought my abiding love of The Ramones wasn't sufficiently conveyed in the preexisting chapter on "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker," and also because--let's face it--The Ramones' "I Don't Want To Grow Up" IS The Greatest Record Ever Made.
But ultimately, although I like this chapter a lot, I don't think it fits the book. So I'm going back to fortify the "Sheena" chapter, to let it more fully illustrate why I regard "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker" as the record that changed my life. And we're freeing up this chapter for public viewing. (My paid patrons have already seen it, but since it's now being posted publicly so much earlier than planned, they're also getting the as-yet-unseen Sly and the Family Stone chapter as a bonus private post.)
An infinite number of songs can each be THE greatest record ever made, as long as they take turns. Today, THIS is THE GREATEST RECORD EVER MADE!
THE RAMONES: "I Don't Want To Grow Up"
In 2002, Spin magazine ranked The Ramones second on its list of the 50 greatest bands of all time, with only The Beatles perched above them. Writer Marc Spitz explained the rationale of placing this seemingly misfit Carbona Quartet just a step below that other Fab Four:
We have not yet created a language that can adequately convey the sheer, visceral thrill of that precise second when I realized The Ramones were...perfect. Just perfect. Punk? Sure, yeah. Rock 'n' roll? Oh God, yes. But also power pop, bubblegum, every great song ever played on any AM radio ever conceived on Earth or above, all distilled into this massive, physical presence that's simultaneously as heavy as a truncheon and as light as helium candy. Pop music, played loud, played fast, and played for keeps, our hearts sustained by its velocity, our souls redeemed by its purity, our faith in the transcendent power of music restored by forceful melody, accomplished as easily as the above-cited count of 1-2-3-4.
And for all that, The Ramones never had a goddamned hit record. Not in America anyway. "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker" charted. "Rockaway Beach" made it all the way up to # 66 in Billboard, and a cover of "Do You Wanna Dance" wrote finis to The Ramones' brief three-part invasion of the lower half of The Hot 100, all accomplished in 1977-78. Like the immortal "Blitzkrieg Bop" before it, "I Wanna Be Sedated" did not chart. "Do You Remember Rock 'n' Roll Radio?" did not chart. "Rock 'n' Roll High School" did not chart. Radio's ears were closed to The Ramones. Retail declared them niche, cult...lesser. MTV all but ignored them.
Of course The Ramones wanted hit records! They'd come of age in a time when the greatest records were hits, from Del Shannon to The Dixie Cups, James Brown to The Beatles. They never outgrew the quaint notion that the best stuff could be the most popular stuff, the most popular stuff the best stuff. They didn't want to grow up. They couldn't.
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