Rain-Hat Sam

This short story appeared in Project Cryptid # 11, published by AHOY Comics in July 2024. It will eventually be included in my planned short story collection Guitars Vs. Rayguns!!

Illustration by Ed Catto

RAIN-HAT SAM

by Carl Cafarelli

Rain-Hat Sam was a comic book superhero. He had no illusions of who he was and how he came to be. 

As a superhero, he knew he struck a silly figure. He had no super-powers, no impressive hand-to-hand combat skills, no great deductive mind, no ability to weave a web of any size,  catching thieves just like flies. He did not wear a mask. He had no costume, preferring to conduct his crusade against evildoers while decked out in a nondescript dark business suit, purchased off the rack at a local department store. His appearance would not strike terror into the hearts of criminals, no matter how superstitious and cowardly their lot.

No. Rain-Hat Sam understood that the only distinctive thing one would ever notice about him was his magic hat. Sam's magic hat made it rain. This could have been impressive, except that Rain-Hat Sam's magic hat only made it rain on Rain-Hat Sam. He could not end drought. He could not summon a fierce cloudburst, with gale winds to carry his foes to the waiting arms of the police. Rain-Hat Sam could only drench himself.

He had no back story. Rain-Hat Sam was a dripping fait accompli, there because he was there, given no origin, no alter ego. Our moistened avenger was a half-page fill-in strip, a quick gag set-up and a presumably hilarious punchline. Rain-Hat Sam appeared in other heroes' comic books, placed among ads for hobby kits and sea monkeys in the space between where the main tale said, "Story continued on third page following" and where more serious superhero action resumed on that third page following. The kids wanted value for their twelve-cent comic-book purchase. Rain-Hat Sam was part of that value, though no kid ever--ever--plucked a comic book from its grocery-store spinner rack just to read about Rain-Hat Sam.

Rain-Hat Sam knew all of this. Yet he fought for justice anyway. He was a hero. That's what heroes do. 

And then came a crisis. The heroes responded. Rain-Hat Sam was not invited to participate. The summoned heroes fell, at first one by one, and then as super-teams en masse, all among the valiant vanquished. The big guns succumbed. The sidekicks and girlfriends succumbed. The second bananas succumbed. Even the supporting characters succumbed, the editors-in-chief and the faithful valets, the police commissioners and the Army colonels, the teen brigades and mystery analysts. Every superhero in the universe, and all of their compatriots. Defeated. The malevolent force had won.

Rain-Hat Sam sighed. He donned his magic hat once again, stifling the little sniffles that were his ongoing occupational hazard. There was work to be done.

The evil cosmic Warlord sat on his throne in the heart of one of Earth's largest metropolises. He peered with smug disdain at this conquered world, the malignant master of all he surveyed. His army of minions had dispersed to distant stars, still psionically connected to the Warlord and available to traverse the galaxies at will. But who could even hope to challenge the Warlord now? 

"SURRENDER!"

The lone, defiant soaking-wet figure was so insignificant that the Warlord hadn't even noticed his approach. The Warlord was taken aback, but amused. The pathetic little fellow was raining on himself, for no apparent reason, and sought to challenge the invincible Warlord?

The Warlord laughed out loud. Rain-Hat Sam was not deterred, nor even insulted. His magic hat rained down upon him with greater force than ever before. Rain-Hat Sam shivered, but drew right up to the Warlord, poised in Marquess of Queensberry fighting stance. "Last chance, Warlord," Rain-Hat Sam warned in a clipped, even tone. "Surrender, NOW!"

The Warlord's brief sense of amusement faded. He would skin this odd water-logged human alive, and use him as dental floss....

But Rain-Hat Sam suddenly embraced the Warlord, sneezed right in his face, and gave him a big, sloppy kiss, like a rascally rabbit bussing a befuddled hunter in old cartoons. With that, Rain-Hat Sam did a back flip and pirouetted out of the Warlord's long reach.

The Warlord was stunned. And then the Warlord was as angry as any sadistic villain had ever been in all of history. Which is pretty angry. Rain-Hat Sam began to run, leaving a slick trail of rain water in his wake. 

The enraged Warlord chased Rain-Hat Sam for nearly two and a half seconds before slipping on the hero's rainy runoff, falling ignominiously on his enormous evil tuchis. Trying to right himself, the Warlord fell again, this time face-first. Rain-Hat Sam remained out of reach. 

Furious beyond description, the Warlord eyed his quarry, rose up...and sneezed.

"Gesundheit," said Rain-Hat Sam. Superheroes should always be polite, even when addressing intergalactic criminals.

The Warlord sneezed again, and again, and again, each sneeze making him feel more and more helpless. He bellowed at Rain-Hat Sam in impotent rage, "What did you do to me...?!"

Rain-Hat Sam smiled. "Allow me to introduce you to the common cold." His smile was grim, but genuine. "I don't imagine a cosmic conqueror such as yourself has ever had a proper chance to develop natural resistance to germs. I would further imagine flulike symptoms will follow quickly."

The Warlord kept sneezing, and coughing, his eyes red, his throat sore, his temperature rising, his stomach churning, his nose running like the rain from Rain-Hat Sam's magic hat. Sensing the sudden possibility of defeat, the Warlord attempted to summon his minions from galaxies away. But his psychic connection with them had given them colds and flu, too. The Warlord passed out. Across the universe, his minions likewise slipped into uncomfortable slumber.

Rain-Hat Sam had triumphed.

With the Warlord beaten, the fallen heroes snapped back to consciousness, revived and revitalized. The champions converged upon the scene of the Warlord's defeat, securing their adversary and congratulating Rain-Hat Sam, thanking the hero who had saved everyone. There were offers for Rain-Hat Sam to join the ranks of assembled superheroes, the leagues and legions and titans, the fantastic and the mighty and the uncanny. 

Rain-Hat Sam declined, humbly and gratefully. He blew his nose and returned to obscurity. He was a fill-in comic book character. He had no illusions of who he was and how he came to be. Let others continue the story on third page following. Rain-Hat Sam had fulfilled his role. 

"Ah-CHOO!"

Gesundheit, Sam! The heroes could still be polite, even in a dark and gritty age. Rain-Hat Sam tipped his magic hat, and turned his own page one last time.

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