Professional Liar: Failed Fiction Roundup

In 2019, I wrote a total of ten new prose short stories. Each of those was submitted to the good folks at AHOY Comics, who bought four of them, and passed on five of them; one final story still awaits word of its fate. Win or lose with that one, though, this was the first year that I had any success at all in selling my fiction.

I actually began submitting short stories to AHOY in 2018, with two attempts that earned me two polite rejection notices. While I'm proudest of the stories that sold, let's review my seven failed submissions to AHOY.



THE GREATEST RECORD EVER MADE: "The Transylvania Twist"

This was possibly an ill-advised choice for a short story submission, but it was one of my favorite blog pieces, so I figured it was worth a shot. Baron Daemon (played by Mike Price) was a popular TV vampire here in Syracuse during the early '60s, and his local notoriety was enough to prompt the release of a novelty 45 in 1964. "The Transylvania Twist" was inspired by Bobby "Boris" Pickett's hit "The Monster Mash," but the Baron made the better record, if ya ask me. "The Transylvania Twist" was a natural choice for celebration in my series The Greatest Record Ever Made!, which is dedicated to the belief that an infinite number of songs can each be THE greatest record ever made, as long as thy take turns. For the write-up, I conjured a fantasy of the Baron visited by a famous (but unidentified) Vampire Slayer, and let the stakes fall where they may. AHOY's Big Kahuna Hart Seely told me that he enjoyed the piece, but that is was just (and I quote) "too Syracuse" for AHOY to use. Now that I'm doing The Greatest Record Ever Made! (Volume 1) as a book, the Baron's story will wind up there instead.



THE LOVABLE LUNKHEAD RETURNS

This was inspired by an online exchange about DC Comics and its various cosmic crisis crossovers (the sort of thing now seen on TV in The CW's current five-night event version of Crisis On Infinite Earths). The Adventures Of Jerry Lewis was a long-running DC Comics series in the '50s and '60s, so it seemed high time to call up the Lovable Lunkhead to serve in the crisis. Other than our Jer's supporting cast members Renfrew and Witch Kraft, no DC character is identified by name in  "The Lovable Lunkhead Returns," but AHOY was concerned about its vulnerability to cease-and-desist orders if it published a story with references to a dark knight, a man of steel, etc. Hart told me that problem could have been resolved with some editing, but that the piece ultimately just wasn't appropriate for AHOY's needs.




DREAMING DEADLY

2019 begins! And I go DARK! This was deemed too intense for AHOY. I bounced back with a delightfully silly, foul-mouthed rock 'n' roll sci-fi comedy called "Guitars Vs. Rayguns," which became my first sale to AHOY. AHOY pays on acceptance, so it was my first writing paycheck since 2006 (the year I decided freelancing as a rock journalist wasn't fun anymore).



SWORD OF THE CHOSEN ONE

I wrote this sword & sorcery yarn before I wrote "Guitars Vs. Rayguns," but submitted the latter first. That one AHOY liked, and this one...not so much. "Sword Of The Chosen One" was based on a memory of the opening of a different short story I wrote more than thirty years ago.  



MONTIE PYLON FINDS HIS HOLY GRAIL
THE GREATEST THUD NEVER HEARD

After selling both "Guitars Vs. Rayguns" and a subsequent story called "The Picture Of Amontillado," it seemed like a humorous approach might be my ticket to placing more stories with AHOY. But neither of these pieces passed the audition.



HITCORE

Ah, "Hitcore," we hardly knew ye.

Sensing that my attempts at humor weren't connecting anymore, I wrote a Western. Of course. "The Last Ride Of The Copperhead Kid" was accepted, and it became my first published professional fiction when The Second Coming # 5 hit comics shops on November 27th. Go buy a copy! AHOY's Tom Peyer took me aside to tell me how much he liked the Copperhead Kid story, and that was sufficient motivation for me to attempt a not-quite-sequel, a 1930s pulp hero story called "The Copperhead Strikes!" That also sold, and I've since submitted a third entry in this not-really-a-series, a '60s secret agent tale called "The Copperhead Affair," and I've begun another--"Chaos At The Copperhead Club"--set at a punk rock show in 1983. Wish me luck with those.

"Hitcore" is a noirish adventure in the record industry. I wrote it around the same time that I wrote "The Copperhead Strikes!," and I wish I'd held on to "Hitcore" for a bit instead of submitting it with "The Copperhead Strikes!" Although AHOY didn't buy "Hitcore," I'm proud of it, and I've refrained from posting it on the blog. I still hope "Hitcore" can find a professional berth...somewhere.

More stories to come.

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Fans of pop music will want to check out Waterloo Sunset--Benefit For This Is Rock 'n' Roll Radio, a new pop compilation benefiting SPARK! Syracuse, the home of This Is Rock 'n' Roll Radio with Dana & Carl. TIR'N'RR Allstars--Steve Stoeckel, Bruce Gordon, Joel Tinnel, Stacy Carson, Eytan Mirsky, Teresa Cowles, Dan Pavelich, Irene Peña, Keith Klingensmith, and Rich Firestone--offer a fantastic new version of The Kinks' classic "Waterloo Sunset." That's supplemented by eleven more tracks (plus a hidden bonus track), including previously-unreleased gems from The Click Beetles, Eytan Mirsky, Pop Co-Op, Irene Peña, Michael Slawter (covering The Posies), and The Anderson Council (covering XTC), a new remix of "Infinite Soul" by The Grip Weeds, and familiar TIRnRR Fave Raves by Vegas With Randolph, Gretchen's Wheel, The Armoires, and Pacific Soul Ltd. Oh, and that mystery bonus track? It's exquisite. You need this. You're buying it from Futureman.

(And you can still get our 2017 compilation This Is Rock 'n' Roll Radio, Volume 4, on CD from Kool Kat Musik and as a download from Futureman Records.)

Hey, Carl's writin' a book! The Greatest Record Ever Made! (Volume 1) will contain 100 essays (and then some) about 100 tracks, plus two bonus instrumentals, each one of 'em THE greatest record ever made. An infinite number of records can each be the greatest record ever made, as long as they take turns. Updated initial information can be seen here: THE GREATEST RECORD EVER MADE! (Volume 1).