Florida Man Follies

The latest internet diversion involves Googling the phrase "Florida man" along with your birthday, and then marveling at the wacky result, a tabloid-ready headline like "Florida Man Trades Grandmother For Meth," or "Florida Man Wrestles Alligator, Finds Love." While I have nothing against diversions--I write a blog, fercryinoutloud--I see no need to participate in this one, because I can just make up my own wacky results. To wit:

Florida Man, Nananananananana Nananananananana Florida Man.

Florida Man Feels Like A Woman.

Florida Man Better Keep His Head, Not Forget What His Good Book Said.

Florida Man Can Change The Course Of Mighty Rivers, Bend Steel In His Bare Hands.

Florida Man Shot A Man In Reno Just To Watch Him Die.

Florida Man Declares Secret Antiperspirant Strong Enough For A Man, Concedes It's Made For A Woman.

Florida Man Is A Real Nowhere Man, Sitting In His Nowhere Land. Reports Indicate Likelihood Of Florida Man Making Nowhere Plans For Nobody.

Florida Man: A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Panama, Dirolf.

Florida Man Complains Of Leprechauns Always After His Lucky Charms.

Florida Man, Barely Alive, Hears Promise To Rebuild Him. "We Have The Technology. We Can Make Him Better Than He Was. Better. Stronger. Faster."

Florida Man Eats Just One Lay's Potato Chip.

Florida Man First In War, First In Peace, And First In The Hearts Of Greedy Lap Dancers.

Florida Man, Florida Man, Does Whatever A Florida Can.

Florida Man Goes Better With Coca-Cola.

Florida Man Wins Lottery, Blows Winnings On More Lottery Tickets.

Florida Man Colludes With Russia, Elected Miss Universe. 

Florida Man Eats Cheetos, Drinks Beer, Watches Sports, Lives, Loves, Laughs, Ages, Dies, Descends, Ascends, Discovers Cheetos, Beer, And Sports In Heaven. Happy Florida Man.

Sources: That Cat Florida Man Is A Bad Mother...SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Just Talkin' 'Bout Florida Man! And We Can Dig It.

Florida man sighs and reflects, with some regret, upon the roads not taken, the choices made in haste, the paths that once seemed so certain, yet now fall to shadow and dread. If only. Florida man sips his beverage, dissatisfied with its taste, draining it anyway. His life's accomplishments are as the treasures of Midas, glittery things, useless baubles accumulated at a cost too great to bear. Florida man's glass is empty. He no longer has the will to refill it.

Florida Man Really Needs To Get Out More.

Florida Man Disconnects From The Internet. Breathes. Smiles.

Florida Man Gets Back On The Internet, Googles Himself. Hijinks Ensue.



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